Somewhat Damaged
by Raven15
Summary: Set after Endless Waltz the guys are living in London living out the rest of their lives... only there are a few complications. eventual 1x2, 3+4. 5+6 *chapter 9 uploaded*
1. Prologue - Nightmares

Hello all, this was 'Sex and the city' and I've not only changed the title but the prologue and I've rewritten the rest etc… J

Title: Somewhat Damaged

Author: Raven (spirit_raven_willow@hotmail.com)   
Contents: Yaoi!!! Semi-AU (set after endless waltz), slightly OOC, future lemons

Rating: NC-17  
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 6x5 (6+2… sort of)  
Notes: I have no real idea where this is gonna go so C&C VERY welcome. Duo, Heero and Wufei work for the Preventers, Trowa is a Journalist, Quatre works for Winner Inc and Zechs owns a gay/Bi bar (this may or may not have *any* significance to the plot I haven't decided) anyway it's after endless waltz and everyone it trying to have normal lives and forget the war but old scars don't always fade.

_Italics denote flashbacks  
Archive: Anywhere but ask please_

Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=444812 

A little piece of Gundam Wing:

http://raygunworks.net/singles2/somewhat/somewhat.html

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue… All you'll get is a purple bunny named Duo and coursework.

Prologue – The odd couple

Caitlin P.O.V.

It was the kind of cold November afternoon in which the rain pelted down in torrents and the occasional clap of thunder and lightning was heard as if whatever deities were up there were having a domestic row and we were feeling the after affects. I looked up from cleaning the nozzle on the cappuccino machine to see a couple come in both dripping wet.

Both, I guessed, were around seventeen, eighteen but when the one with shaggy brown hair looked me in the eyes as some sort of greeting, I saw an old soul that had been through more than he should have. Maybe he had been one of those special ops pilots in the war. I looked down quickly trying to avoid that gaze.

"Heero! Stop freaking out the nice coffee woman." The other one said shrugging of her coat, pulling out a long brain from underneath her t-shirt which appeared, for the most part, to be dry.

"Hn." The guy replied. He was quiet but not shy which was a sharp contrast to the bundle of nervous energy that stood next to him. However the feeling I got was that it was a joker's mask. A callous built up out of necessity that I feared what was held underneath.

"Come on, buddy, whatcha want?" the braided one asked Heero. 

He looked up at me, "Triple espresso, no cream, no sugar" and added as an after thought, "Please Miss" and what I believed was his whole hearted attempt to be a smile.

"Wow! Really adventurous there Hee-chan." She smiled at her companion. Her voice was a little low for a girl and she was very flat chests but then again what guy would have hair like that; or such large eyes, which I noted as she brushed her bangs up out of her face, were the most unusual shade of violet.

"Well," she announced, "unlike my extremely boring friend here when it comes to coffee, I'll have a gingerbread latte with extra whipped cream."

She turned back to her friend and looked disapproving, "Geese baka! You'll get a cold if you keep your wet clothes on." She proceeded to unwrap him like a giant Christmas present so he eventually stood there in a dry green tank top and blue jeans.

"That'll be $5.80 shugah." I said as they had appeared to have forgotten my presence.

"Gomen nasi, here" he held out the correct money.

"Thanks hun," I said as they grabbed their coffee from the end of the bar and walked to a table which had a sofa and a chair near the back. They dumped their wet clothes and coats on the chair and sat next to each other in the sofa staring out of the window.

As I watched them, they kept sneaking glances at each other when they thought the other wasn't looking. The braided one sat up and looked over at the cobalt eyed boy and gently, as if she moved to fast the image would shatter, brushed his bangs back out of his eyes. He dropped his hand quickly, as if stung, while the other seemed to not have minded the brief contact. She then leaned over and picking up the mug, drank noisily with much enthusiasm, as if trying to cover up the slip of her obvious feelings.

"Duo, I think you're the only boy on the earth sphere that could get orgasmic over coffee." Boy? Well that was a shocker but as I looked harder I saw that his shoulders were a little wider than a girl's would have been and there was a definite musculature that you could see under the t-shirt that made him defiantly male.

This shocked me a bit, how could they in love if they were both boys? But then I realised that it doesn't matter what gender you are: love is love.

The pair made an odd couple; one was loud and made very animated hand/arm motions as he recounted an action movie he'd seen on the TV the previous night; while the other was reserves, calmly listening with interest. The next difference was their appearance, although they were both the same height, Duo was more willowy than Heero, with bone that liked like they might snap if you grasped too hard. His porcelain skin glowed in contrast to the golden Asian skin of his Japanese friend. And the most startling thing about him was his hair: not 'hippy' long as some may have said but tightly braided with a heavy fringe covering his forehead and sometimes his eyes.

But the way they were together was as if they were no different. They were completely at ease with each other's presence and acted like there was no one else in the coffee house with the. They had an aura of happiness around them that I was in very few people. Working in the 'Aroma Room' as I had for too many years, I've seen more than a few couples, some married, some not and I knew the ones in love and the ones who though they were. Sometimes when you look at a couple they 'meld' and sometime you look and you see them like two jigsaw pieces that are not meant to fit but have been jammed together by external forces or sheer will power.

I looked at those two sitting on the couch, Duo had shifted so he was laying sprawled across the sofa with his head on Heero's lap and hair upbraided, drying off one of the arms. He had his eyes closed, like he was trying to savour the moment. Heero was absently playing with the damp chestnut strands.

About an hour passed and they eventually got up. The rain had stopped and waving goodbye Duo paused in the doorway and pointed up at the new moon poking out of the clouds.

"Hey make a wish," he said before starting to walk down the street. Heero paused for a few more seconds and said in a voice I could just hear, "I wish I had you."

Tbc…


	2. Chapter 1 - Introductions and Revelation...

Title: Somewhat Damaged

Author: Raven (spirit_raven_willow@hotmail.com)   
Contents: Yaoi!!! Semi-AU (set after endless waltz), slightly OOC, future lemons

Rating: NC-17  
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 6x5 (6+2… sort of)   
Notes: I have no real idea where this is gonna go so C&C VERY welcome. Duo, Heero and Wufei work for the Preventers, Trowa is a Journalist, Quatre works for Winner Inc and Zechs owns a gay/Bi bar (this may or may not have *any* significance to the plot I haven't decided) anyway it's after endless waltz and everyone it trying to have normal lives and forget the war but old scars don't always fade.

_Italics denote flashbacks  
Archive: Anywhere but ask please_

Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=444812 

A little piece of Gundam Wing:

http://raygunworks.net/singles2/somewhat/somewhat.html

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue… All you'll get is a purple bunny named Duo and coursework.

Chapter 1 - Introductions and revelations

Duo P.O.V

I sat staring out at the peaceful city: well that was a lie, from out apartment you could see all the lights glittering in the night like all the stars had fallen out of the sky and lain upon the ground like diamond dust on black velvet; the faint hum of cars could be heard in the distance like a pulse. The city never slept and no one could ever say it were peaceful, there was always something be it good or bad. 

Rain streamed down the windows as I gazed out, wishing I were somewhere else.

The wars were over. Peace was restored to earth and we all have tried to have some semblance of a normal life, although the soldier always kept the war with him. If I closed my eyes I could still see the faces of every man I killed.

 I was sharing a flat with Heero looking over the park; Zechs and Wufei had the apartment opposite, still insisting that they weren't together or interested in being so, still mourning the death of Treize; and there was Trowa and Quatre who were sharing marital bliss in the block across the street. We had all decided to keep close together, we all felt happier with the closeness. We had grown apart after the first war and it had upset us all more than we had wanted to admit, so in the post-apocalyptic wake we had decided to find a corner of the earth to call our own and settle down, we were closer that brothers and to be apart felt wrong.

Heero, 'Fei and myself had joined the Preventers (a branch of the government that had never been made known to the general public). Trowa to everyone's surprise had not re-joined the circus and Catherine, saying he wanted to be with Q, became a journalist; it had helped Trowa a lot: during the wars the boy… man couldn't articulate his feelings unless he was with Quatre (who is still the president of Winner Inc.), and writing his column had helped him open up and become more vocal. As for Zechs, he owns a Bi bar in Soho and is making a fortune, though he really wanted to change it to an arty coffee house. We had all live in an almost dream like state since the last battle, everything had gone brilliantly for the last 2 years, we've found our peace at last… well almost.

Though Trowa and Quatre play at the perfect couple the rest of us have been through hell some more than others. Zechs and I had both got a string of past boyfriends and girlfriends, all with painful break ups, neither of us finding what we wanted in the relationships because we really wanted someone else: Something unattainable and perfect.

Rather than sitting here in my misery, I got up and fished a tub of New York Super Fudge Chunk out of the freezer and went over the hall to Zech's apartment secretly hoping 'Fei wasn't there. To my relief Zech opened the door dressed in a tank and pyjama pants, hair mussed vaguely pulled back in a ponytail.

"Duo what's wrong?" he could read me well by now; I said nothing and handed him a teaspoon.

"Oh," he said. He sat on the couch and I crawled into his lap, there was nothing sexual about it we were just very close. He wrapped his strong warm arms around my chest, under my arms and pulled the lid off the tub. I dug my spoon into the ice cream and shoved it into my mouth.

"What's wrong?" he repeated.

"I don't know," I said around the spoon. "It's just, I've been thinking…"

"Did you hurt yourself?" he said chuckling. I whapped him gently on the arm with the spoon in punishment.

"Not funny!" I pouted.

"Sorry Duo" he gave me a squeeze. 

"Anyway, I've been thinking: I'm tired Zechs. I'm tired of just going out with an endless string of people, none of them meaning anything, none of the one I want. I'm tired of sleeping alone. I was looking out of the window at the city and how it moves and how beautiful it is and then I saw my reflection in the glass in some hideous contrast. I saw nothing." I suddenly felt wetness and I realised that fat tears were running down my cheeks. "I'm just in a big hole, I have a job I don't really like, just to be near him. And I see my eyes and they're dead. I wish I could just die but I'm too much of a coward to do it" I stroked my thumb unconsciously over the scars on my wrist. 

I was off in my own little world when Zech's rich baritone spoke behind me, "Do you want to go to bed its late?" Zechs knew me too well, he knew that there was nothing he could have said that would have a) helped or b) not been clichéd. He scooped me up in his arms throwing the empty tub in the trash on the way. The tears fell faster now so my vision was blurred. I dimly felt my clothes being removed, being put in bed and Zechs slipping in beside me. The last thing I remember that night was being spooned to Zech's naked body, him placing a soft kiss on my braid and whispering "Everything will be better in the morning."

Tbc…


	3. Chapter 2 - preludes and nightmares

Title: Somewhat Damaged

Author: Raven (spirit_raven_willow@hotmail.com)   
Contents: Yaoi!!! Semi-AU (set after endless waltz), slightly OOC, future lemons

Rating: NC-17  
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 6x5 (6+2… sort of)  
Notes: I have no real idea where this is gonna go so C&C VERY welcome. Duo, Heero and Wufei work for the Preventers, Trowa is a Journalist, Quatre works for Winner Inc and Zechs owns a gay/Bi bar (this may or may not have *any* significance to the plot I haven't decided) anyway it's after endless waltz and everyone it trying to have normal lives and forget the war but old scars don't always fade.

_Italics denote flashbacks  
Archive: Anywhere but ask please_

Archive: Anywhere but ask please

Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=444812 

A little piece of Gundam Wing:

http://raygunworks.net/singles2/somewhat/somewhat.html

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue… All you'll get is a purple bunny named Duo and coursework.

Chapter 2 – preludes and nightmares

I woke the next morning alone in his bed. This wasn't the first time we'd slept together, we connected in ways I hadn't with any of the other pilots. We'd had comfort sex a few time… sometimes I wonder if we should get together, it'd make things a lot easier. I mean I'm not in love with him like and am with Heero but I do love him. Whenever either of us felt low we'd cuddle and sleep together but not sleep together. We both need a warm body that cares sometimes, although, sometimes I thought wistfully, I wish that I were in his bed feeling his body pressed up against me one arm wrapped round my chest, idly playing with my nipple rings when we didn't have to get up early for work. I shook myself: it'll never happen, no point in going there Maxwell, that's a road with a dead end. 

I climbed out of bed not bothering to put on underwear: he'd seen me naked before and I've never been the most modest person so I didn't bother, the apartment was warm and it enveloped me like a blanket straight from the dryer. I wandered through his place across the thick plush carpet to the kitchen. The smell of hot coffee greeted me and muscular arms enveloped me from behind. I nuzzled my face in his vanilla scented hair, listening to some song on the radio that I could never remember the name of.

"So do you feel better?"

"I guess." Which was true, I was better but not *better*.

"Good." He knew I wasn't telling the whole truth, "I have to go down to the club and sort out a shipment, wanna come?"

"No I have some stuff to sort out…" he just looked at me, then moved off to get dressed. I yelled a thank you and goodbye to him as I decided to streak back to our apartment rather than try to find my clothes.

So, I entered my empty apartment: Heero must have gone to work though we don't have any cases on at the moment so we didn't have to go in but that's Heero, he can't help it. He still hasn't lost all of the 'perfect soldier' and if anything it's got worse because as he gain his humanity back he feel more guilt for the things he did in the war… what we all did… I'd like to think that if we were ever together we'd make each other all right again: we'd be so great together and we'd be so perfect, and it would be so sweet… The thought of it makes me hurt so much. I want to die. There is a pain in my chest and it hurts so much I can't stand it.

I walk into our shared kitchen and found out the toaster pastries and looked through the mail for something interesting. Ever since we'd turned 18 we had been inundated by credit card applications and other junk mail which I promptly binned, the rest were bills: they went to Heero… and at the bottom was a brown manila envelope from… myself? I ripped it open and about dozen photographs fell out onto the floor by my feet. I remembered that I'd left them with a lawyer during the war in the though that I'd have to leave in a hurry one day and forget them, I never seriously thought I'd get them back as we never knew where we'd end up, if there was anything left to go to. I thanked a God I didn't really believe in for this small reprieve for my soul. 

The pictures were of the few bits of happiness we scraped together during our teenage years. Group shots of us sitting around smiling (well me and Quatre: the others were doing the personal equivalent of smiling) at one or the other of the safe houses and then there were a bunch of the best night of my life: this crazy night in Las Vegas, we had to hide there once to escape from OZ, due to the sheer volume of people we blended in easily. We'd gone to this absolute dive and danced pressed up against each other for hours: forgetting who we were and why we were fighting, we were just children once again, even if it was only for a little while. The photos were of the 'party' afterwards: us sitting around chatting, drinking vodka shots; Quatre was giggling like a girl, Wufei and Trowa were telling off colour jokes; who knew Trowa was such a hentai, I guess all that time with the mercenaries he must'a picked up something. While I was sitting in Heero's lap giving my extremely drunk interpretation of a lap dance, having been inspired by the girls in that club we went to. We'd set up the camera to go off every few minutes so no one would have to miss out on the photos to hold the camera; half the shots were of someone's ass or something, but we did get a few good pictures. I sank down onto the floor leaning against the perfect cream coloured walls and the aspen coloured Ikea bookcase and stared at our fragmented memories frozen eternally in time

None of us *seriously* thought we would survive the war. *I* never thought I'd survive the war. I was… am the God of death, the Shinigami and always will be. I sighed; anyone I've ever loved has died: It's a testament to the other pilots' skills that they survived the war… that they survived me. I slowly got up and wandered into my bedroom still naked and crawled under the covers. I was so tired all of a sudden, I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep for just a little bit.

I was in an empty place, like a cliff top open to the sky with nothing on the ground except bare cracked earth and rocks. The texture of the air changed and I turned around and saw myself standing across from me holding a scythe. I looked down and I saw nothing in my own hands to defend myself with.

My double ran forward, scythe ready to strike; I saw the blade flash in the harsh light as a clap of thunder shocked me out of my revelry. I did the first thing I could think of: I ducked and brought my hands up over my head, I heard the blade whoosh over me and I swiped my leg round to connect with what I hoped was his legs. The other Duo missed my swing by rising up off the ground with - unnoticed till now - bat like wings. The sound of the beating wings was deafening like being inside a wasp's next mixed with a heavy drum beat. I watched as the figure rose above me: wings spread out and the scythe blade lying gracefully underneath his feet in a deadly ark.

"I am you," the figure spoke, the voice clear over the sounds of the wings. "I am The Death."

I just stared upwards.

The figure bubbled and twisted like something seen through a heat haze: and above me, terrifying with scythe raised in judgement was Heero; the figure flapped his wings and swooped…

"I am you death Duo, Duo, Duo, Duo…"

 "DUO!" I woke with a start for the second time in as many days, arms failing wildly. My eyes still not having adjusted to the light, I didn't know who had grabbed my wrists, and pushed my sweat soaked bangs out of my face. The urge to fight and get away was overpowering.

"Duo, you had a nightmare." I finally placed the voice: it was Heero. The dream still lingered in my mind; I tried to get out of his vice like grip.

"Duo calm down!" the voice a mixture of impatience and worry.

"NO! NO! I won't kill you. You can't die like the rest of them." I felt my body shaking as visions of Solo and the dying body of sister Helen flashed before my eyes. I suddenly realised that Heero was gone. I ran through the apartment wildly looking into the rooms as I went. I burst into the kitchen to find Heero calmly filling a glass of water.

"Why did you go?" I asked shaking; one hand gripping the doorframe so hard I thought it might splinter in my grasp.

"I went to get this for you baka, to snap you out of it."

"Sorry," I said quietly. "I had a bad dream… it was so vivid"

"Was it of the church?" my head snapped up.

"What?"

"Was it of the church? Solo maybe? You cry out in your sleep. I found out about you demons long ago." I felt my eyes growing wide and face flushing; I stared at him, my mouth doing a creditable impersonation of a fish.

"No," I looked down. "It was something else."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I looked up at him blinking, why did he suddenly care?

"No not really, I'd rather forget it."

"Ok" he looked at me oddly as if he knew what it had been about all along, "Quatre wants us to do something, I believe his actual words were 'why be bored alone when we can be bored in a group'. It should be fun, just like Vegas, ne? Well… if you don't count Zechs.

"What?" He didn't directly answer my question but just said,

"I found the photos; those were good times, ne?"

"Yeah," I said, just realising I was still naked. "The best."


	4. Chapter 3 - The games begin

Title: Somewhat Damaged

Author: Raven (spirit_raven_willow@hotmail.com)  
Contents: Yaoi!!! semi-AU (set after endless waltz), slightly OOC, future lemons

Rating: NC-17  
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 6x5  
Notes: I have no real idea where this is gonna go so C&C VERY welcome. Duo, Heero and Wufei work for the Preventers, Trowa is a Journalist, Quatre works for Winner Inc and Zechs owns a gay/Bi bar (this may or may not have *any* significance to the plot I haven't decided) anyway it's after endless waltz and everyone it trying to have normal lives and forget the war but old scars don't always fade.

_Italics denote flashbacks  
Archive: Anywhere but ask please_

Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=444812 

A little piece of Gundam Wing:

http://raygunworks.net/singles2/somewhat/somewhat.html

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue… All you'll get is a purple bunny named Duo and coursework.

Chapter 3 – The games start.

*Heero POV* 

I watched him streak back to his room, trying not to look too hard at his ass. I wanted him so much it physically hurt, in more ways than one. I love him body and soul, sometimes when I dream I think I can remember another life: sometime that isn't now, and I always see him standing beside me even when we are faced with death. One of J's lab assistants, Rei, told me once that we are tied to a certain number of souls over the lifetimes, and so when you meet someone and you swear that you've met them before or you feel you have known them for years is because you have met before and were destined to meet again. I never really believed it at the time, well who would, especially being brought up by J? But after I met the rest of the pilots, I felt it. But that was nothing like the feeling when I first met Duo, I felt almost human for the first time, of course then I couldn't understand what I was feeling my emotions repressed after a lifetime of conditioning and I freaked and ran but that didn't matter; I knew we'd meet again.

"Hey Heero, I'm ready!" he said waking me from my inner monologue. I looked up at him and nearly came in my pants, he was wearing a pair of leather pants that probably felt like butter with a pair of handcuffs through one of the belt loops at the back, and a worn tight fit t-shirt that had 'Oxford pub-crawl 1997' on it – he had a thing for vintage clothing saying it was more original; his hair was unbound around his shoulders, in a beautiful wave of chestnut shining in the evening light. 

"Hey Heero you in there buddy?" I shook myself realising I was staring.

"Yeah sorry," I blinked a bit, "let's go." We walked in almost silence over to Quatre's just chatting about random things, I felt my hand brush against his and a jolt went up me like I got a static shock, only I had no urge to move it away. I looked down and I saw our fingers had entwined. I let go of his hand, mumbling an apology. If I didn't know he had feeling for Zechs I would have thought he was upset at the loss of contact.

We arrived at Quatre's at the same time as Wu and Zechs, my heart ached as I saw Duo go over to the blonde and be brought into his embrace. I wish I was the one holding my angel in my arms, but I want him to be happy and that's obviously not with me.

Quatre came out of the apartment dragging Trowa and announced that we were going to the coffee house…

*Duo POV*

I walked to the coffee house holding hand with Zechs, I briefly notice Heero's hurt expression but though nothing of it after all who could love me I was nothing just a dirty street rat, no one cares about me 'cept Zechs, he cares for me, like I care for him; except I'm not in love with him, I can't and I never will be. I won't inflict my curse upon him, and besides I think he loves Wu-chan. 

I want to hold Heero's hand, I want to walk with him, be with him, have him inside me. I squeeze Zech's hand a bit harder with the though and he looked down at me questioningly. I gave him a look that I hoped conveyed the message: 'don't ask', thankfully he dropped it and we went on.

We arrived at the small coffee house we frequented and sat down in our usual seats (several over stuffed armchairs and a couch towards the back). The waitress brought over our usual coffees and we all sat in comfortable silence for a while.

"So… who wants to play spin the bottle truth or dare?" I said at last.

"What are we 12 again or something?" muttered Wu but made no more protest.

"Sure why not? I'm always up for hormonally driven idiocy" replied Quatre, settling further into Trowa's lap, draping one arm around his koi's shoulder.

"Ok then!" I said looking at Heero, he was looking straight back at me and our eyes locked for an eternity before I looked down and continued pouring sugar into my coffee from the shaker.

"Hey Duo, think that enough darlin' we don't need a honey like you comatose, now do we?" said Caitlin the waitress and proprietress of the 'Aroma Room'; She was fairly tall, with long brown hair streaked white at the front and green eyes; she also had a southern accent. We were all fairly certain that she was a witch and a healer but we never asked her; you never know if she was sensitive about it. 

"'Course not darlin'" I replied, faking an accent. "Wouldn't wanna pass out now an' give everyone ah chance to grope me before ah woke up." She raised an eyebrow and I grinned goofily at her for a bit as she sat a half empty hazelnut syrup bottle on our table.

"Thought you might want tah borrow it, I don't care what ya do in here, we're all liberal but no heavy nudity ya hear?"

"Yeah no problem Caitlin, don't worry about it," Trowa said over the table, Quatre looked a little disappointed but said nothing.

"Right Ladies, the game works like this: we spin the bottle who ever it lands on has to tell a truth or spin the bottle again and kiss that person, everyone ok with that?" they all nodded, I was slightly surprised that Wu went along with it without a scathing comment. "Ok so seeing as it's my game I go first. I pick: Truth. Who's gonna ask?"

"I will," Wu said sitting up. "Ok Maxwell: what was the thing you did last month that you wouldn't tell anyone about?" He sat back looking smug, thinking he had me.

"Ok then," I said looking slightly embarrassed. I looked over at Caitlin; seeing her go into the back I quickly stood up and unzipped my pants a bit exposing the new black tribal ink work running diagonally down from my hip bones towards my groin. "Happy?"

"Cool" Wufei said a little surprised as I zipped my pants back up. My gaze flitted over to Zechs and Heero both were staring at me with, if I wasn't mistaken – and I'm fairly certain I was as I'm not attractive in the slightest – lust at my exposed flesh; I felt my face grow warm at the however unlikely idea that two of the most beautiful men who were simply sex personified would find me desirable.

"So…" I stuttered highly embarrassed, grabbing the bottle. "Let's see who goes next…"

Tbc…


	5. Chapter 4 - The games move on

Title: Somewhat Damaged

Author: Raven (spirit_raven_willow@hotmail.com)   
Contents: Yaoi!!! Semi-AU (set after endless waltz), slightly OOC, future lemons

Rating: NC-17  
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 6x5  
Notes: I have no real idea where this is gonna go so C&C VERY welcome. Duo, Heero and Wufei work for the Preventers, Trowa is a Journalist, Quatre works for Winner Inc and Zechs owns a gay/Bi bar (this may or may not have *any* significance to the plot I haven't decided) anyway it's after endless waltz and everyone it trying to have normal lives and forget the war but old scars don't always fade.

_Italics denote flashbacks  
Archive: Anywhere but ask please_

Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=444812 

A little piece of Gundam Wing:

http://raygunworks.net/singles2/somewhat/somewhat.html

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue… All you'll get is a purple bunny named Duo and coursework.

Chapter 4 – The games move on.

"Let's see who goes next…" I said looking around at the others. Quatre was kissing Trowa's neck, his pupils dilated and glazed in pleasure. I spun the bottle, and it finished its run on Wu.

"Hey, Wu-man whatcha pick?" I grinned.

"It's Wufei; I will not have you dishonour my family in an attempt to make a cute pet name and spin." He said taking the bottle from my stunned form. He placed the bottle in the tabletop and let it spin; it revolved slowly until it finally ended on… me.

"So Maxwell let's see if you are as good a kisser as you say." He leaned over to my still shocked form, and cupped my face gently in one hand steadying himself against my chest with the other. I closed my eyes and parted my lips slightly; we kissed, he tasted me softly, lightly pressing his lips against mine. I was surprised at the slow pace but imitated it, gently suckling at his bottom lip. My tongue moved across the now wet surface of his bottom lip as I pulled it further into my mouth; I released him placing one more lingering in kiss on his mouth. 

"Nice Maxwell, very nice."

"Well I am the best ya know? And in more ways than one…" I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively trailing off, though all I could really think about was how much I wished it were Heero that I had kissed. I sighed as Wu picked up the bottle again, this time it landed on Quatre.

"Um, Q? Not wanting to disturb you or anything but it's your go." I said poking him slightly on the thigh.

"Mmm… what?" he moaned.

"Your go, Little One." Trowa said pushing Quatre off him slightly. He unwillingly sat up and looked around at all of us, then at Trowa.

"Well I choose truth, I am only for Trowa." He said with a smile, kissing Trowa on the nose.

"Well then… um… where is the weirdest place you've ever had sex?" asked Zechs sitting up looking a little too eager to know the answer.

Quatre blushed heavily, "Disney World, the 'it's a small world' ride."

"Yeah, the ride broke down," Trowa said with a slight wistful smile, "and we went behind a bunch of those mechanical Dutch children…"

"Of course then the ride was fixed and we were asked to never return to the magic kingdom." Quatre finished.

"Wow! Dude never though you had it in you," I replied duly impressed. 

"Yes… well… what else were we going to do? And I swear they were looking at me" he said blushing further, spinning the bottle. "So Zechs, what do you pick?"

He looked a bit like a deer caught in headlights, "Um, Truth." 

"Well then," Wu started, "where and who did you loose you virginity to?" My blood ran cold; he was raped and beaten in high school for being gay – despite the hypocrisy of that - and being the son of the glorious Lord Peacecraft. That's who he lost his virginity to, his innocence and purity, not to someone he loved in a beautiful moment, but to some thug in the basement of the building head banging against the heating pipes. I knew how he felt; I lost mine to some nameless Joe on the street who threw me a few rumpled bills after he fucked my eleven-year-old body like a blow up doll, so I could feed those younger than me.

"Zechs you don't have to answer that." I said quickly, he looked like he was ready to bolt; he never wanted anyone to know that about himself, especially Wufei who would probably give him a justice rant.

"Why not? The rest of us had to play this stupid game." Wu asked accusingly across the table.

"He doesn't have to answer!" I ground out glaring at Wu. I leaned over and asked him quietly, "Do you want to go?"

"It's ok; I'll answer him," He said quietly. "I lost my virginity to some guy I can't even remember the name of when he raped me. Happy? I was raped; I have no honour! Wanna disown me now?" He looked on the verge of tears. Wu looked like he had been slapped in the face. No one else spoke. He got up and walked over to Zechs and sat next to him on the couch, pulling him into an uncharacteristic hug. 

"Your honour was taken from you, but you are not honourless. I think… I think…" looked him in the eyes, "I think I love you even more" wow. Did not see that coming. Wu looked in his eyes for a second searching for acceptance and obviously it was there as he leaned down and captured Zechs' mouth in a kiss. They kissed slowly like golden syrup but did not loose any intensity. Their tongues stroked each other in a sexual dance; Wu brought one of his hands up behind Zechs burring it in his long platinum blonde hair. They slowly pulled away resting their foreheads against each other.

"I've wanted you to do that for so long," Zechs whispered.

"Me too," he replied, they looked a little startled as they realised they weren't alone but did not pull away, Wu just moved so he was sitting in his lap, Zechs' arm wrapped round his waist.

Although I was happy for Zechs, I was sad, Zechs was my best friend and now I'm all alone again, he wouldn't want to bother with me anymore; he had someone else who cares deeply for him. He doesn't need me.

"Congratulations Wu and Zechs, I hope…" I felt my voice cracking as tears pricked my eyes, "you both have great times together. Excuse me" I grabbed my coat and quickly left, I didn't want them to see me cry again.

It was raining when I stepped out of the coffee house. I pulled the coat over my head and started to head back to the apartment then thought better of it: I didn't feel like facing Heero now. So I turned in the other direction, tears mixing with the rain, and ran towards an old friend's apartment.

Tbc…


	6. Chapter 5 - Moonlit Conversations

Title: Somewhat Damaged

Author: Raven (spirit_raven_willow@hotmail.com)   
Contents: Yaoi!!! Semi-AU (set after endless waltz), slightly OOC, future lemons

Rating: NC-17  
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 6x5  
Notes: I have no real idea where this is gonna go so C&C VERY welcome. Duo, Heero and Wufei work for the Preventers, Trowa is a Journalist, Quatre works for Winner Inc and Zechs owns a gay/Bi bar (this may or may not have *any* significance to the plot I haven't decided) anyway it's after endless waltz and everyone it trying to have normal lives and forget the war but old scars don't always fade.

_Italics denote flashbacks  
Archive: Anywhere but ask please_

Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=444812 

A little piece of Gundam Wing:

http://raygunworks.net/singles2/somewhat/somewhat.html

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue… All you'll get is a purple bunny named Duo and coursework.

Chapter 5 – Moonlit conversations

By the time I got to her apartment I was soaked to the skin. I knocked on the blue door and waited for it to open. I silently shivered in the cold as the door swung open and the familiar Chinese face greeted me.

"Wai Wai, it's been too long and let me in I'm freezing my balls off out here?" She frowned at me: she didn't like harsh language much.

"Course darling," the British accent replied. I stepped into her warm apartment: a perfect blend of oriental charm and British warmth. "I'll make us some tea and you strip off mister I don't want to you catch a cold although looking at you I think that might be too late," she raised an eyebrow. "There's a robe in the bedroom, I don't know how you feel about 'Hello Kitty' but that your fault for getting soaked." 

I duly followed her commands shoving my wet cloths in the airing cupboard and pulled on the slightly too small pink dressing gown then sat on the couch.

"So what brings you to my neck of the wood?" She called through from the kitchen.

"It's about him Ying Wai. Who else?"

"Who else indeed darling?" she said putting a mug of tea in front of me. "Have you ever though of *saying* anything to him about how you feel?"

I looked up at her over the rim of the teacup. "What do want me to say to him, 'Hello Heero, the most straight guy on the planet and who hasn't dated in years since Relena stopped stalking him, I – a man – love you and want you fuck me into next week and until I only know three words: Please, more and Heero.'"

"Yes dear," she raised an eyebrow, "Very… descriptive." She paused a moment sipping her tea then looked up over the rim of the blue china mug and said, "I don't think he'd be a opposed to the idea as you may think"

"Why? He would be disgusted with me, if not with the fact that I'm a guy, I'm damaged goods."

She grabbed my shoulders, "You are not damaged goods, you did want you had to when you were young and you had a little fun after the war, so? And besides I would be seriously surprised if Heero was still a virgin or completely straight."

"I don't know Wai Wai, I'm scared. I don't know what I'd do if he rejected me and I lost his friendship, I don't even have Zechs anymore."

"Where's Marquise gone to? You know he would never leave you."

"He has Wu now. He doesn't need me anymore."

"Chun choi! Marquise wasn't your friend till something better came along. You should have more faith in him than that."

"I know but it's hard for me to believe that he won't just throw me away like the others."

"That's something that you'll have to work through on your own darling, but now *you* should sleep: you can figure out what to do about Heero in the morning. Things are always better in the morning light."

***

Heero's lips brushed gently against mine in a ghostly kiss. All my senses were on fire as he gently brushed his hands up and down my exposed sides. I clutched at the bonds that bound me to the iron bedstead. The loss of control aroused me no end, I loved to give my control completely to the man I loved. He wrapped one hand around my cock and suckled at my nipples making pleasure course through my veins. I closed my eyes, overwhelmed by the feelings that were heightened by the love I held: for once it wasn't just sex, it was special. If Heero could stand to touch me like this maybe I wasn't so disgusting. 

"Turn over" the deep velvety voice commanded, I did as he asked immediately, getting up on my knees and spreading my legs, showing myself to him. I felt decadently wanton in this position, I was completely at his mercy and I could feel his callused fingers running over my back and inner thighs. 

I suddenly felt a sharp slap on my left buttock and I moaned. It was a little known fact but I loved pain, I craved it, it made sex so much better. "Oh gods Heero!" I cried out. Soon smack after smack rained down on my ass and thighs, stroking my cock at the same time so the pain and the pleasure blended together in a perfect duet.

Suddenly the blows fell harder and more frequent, no longer pleasurable.

"No Heero stop you're hurting me." I cried but I realise it wasn't Heero anymore: it was the guy I'd lost my virginity to all those years ago, my first 'client'. He either didn't hear my plea or didn't care as he briefly jammed one lube-covered finger in my ass. "No, please don't…" my face burned in humiliation and tears streamed down my cheeks as the faces of all my 'customers' and other people who has used my body consensually or not, flashed before my eyes. "No, not again, please, please no" I was hysterical.

I felt the burning agony when he entered me I felt my anus stretch, tear and blood slowly trickle down my leg. My mind started to shut down with each savage thrust hoping that he would come soon and it would all be over, when I was brought sharply into the present when I felt a cool blade slice through the skin on my back.

I woke screaming and clawing at my body trying to get the feeling of hands off me. I threw off the cover and ran into her bathroom. I turned on the shower as hot as it would go, stepping in I grabbed the soap and that scrubbing puff thing that usually comes with shower gel and people the world over owned whether they wanted to or not, and started scrubbing at my skin to try to get the violation off me. I couldn't remove the feeling of those disgusting hands from me. I reached over and grabbed Wai Wai's razor and cut thick lines across my wrists. The blood flowed freely down my body mixing with the water. I felt better. The pain killed the hurt; I paid for my sanity with blood. I felt a little light headed and I decided to sit down for a little while, when Wai burst through the bathroom door looking wild with hair sticking up at odd angles and her night dress slipping off one shoulder, then things became a little blurry.

"Oh Gods Duo, not again!" I heard her say, but it was distant as if I was hearing it from a way off.

*Ying Wai P.O.V.*

I rushed over to him, grabbing a towel and turning off the shower. I knew he cut himself but it had never been this bad, and he promised me a year or so ago that he wouldn't do it again.

"Duo can you hear me?" He nodded a weak reply as I used the towel to try to stop the bleeding, raising his wrists over his head and applying pressure. I also draped a towel over his lower half to give him some dignity, not that he would really notice at this point. Now that he was naked I noticed how thin he'd got; his ribs shew and collarbones and hips protruded. I wondered how he'd got like this, but then combine Duo's high metabolism and his record for self-punishment and it all fell into place. He'd acquired some new additions since I'd scene him last: both nipples were now pierced, as well as his penis. Black ink work that caressed his hips and groin, and shoulders.

"Oh Duo," I sighed to myself, "Why must you punish yourself?" Some may have thought that the tattoos and piercing were for aesthetics but I knew that Duo craved pain; he thought that it cleansed his soul, and after I'd make him stop cutting himself I guess this was the alternative. It least it won't kill him I idly though and guessed that I should thank the goddess for small favours.

I gingerly lifted the towel off his wrists and saw that they had clotted but would easily open again if he wasn't careful. I went to the medical cabinet and grabbed the appropriate supplies; I also binned my leg razor, as I would… could never use it again, or look at it for that matter. I put steri-strips over the cuts to stop them opening again, then put on a dressing-pad and bandaged them. 

"Wai Wai?" he asked groggily.

"I'm here darling. Are you back with us?" 

"Yeah." He said with a fake smile, looking down at his wrists he began to shiver. Oh shit! He's going into shock. 

"Come on Duo up we go." I said with false cheerfulness as I basically dragged him by his armpits to my bed wrapping his naked form in my duvet. "Uh Duo, do your want you boxers back?" I asked gently. He looked inside the duvet and then looked embarrassed, he would have blushed but he'd lost a fair amount of blood and I guessed it was going to more important areas. 

"Yes please." He said quietly. When I returned he was exactly where I'd left him but the duvet was now around his waist and he was looking at his wrists.

"I'm sorry Wai Wai. I broke our promise." He said in a small voice, he looked into my eyes and looked so lost.

"I won't pretend that I'm not upset," I told him, he visibly flinched at this, "but it's ok. I'm just sad that you felt you had to do this," I said as I handed him his boxers, which he accepted gratefully and slipped on under the duvet.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"You'll think it's stupid and pointless and nothing… and besides it's kind of embarrassing."

"Duo we've know each other for along time, you can tell me anything and I won't judge. If it made you this upset then it must have been something big."

He looked down again breaking eye contact, "I had a bad dream… well it started out nice, very nice: I was having really great sex with Heero," He blushed, "but then he turned into my first 'client' when I was a prostitute and he raped me." His voice cracked, "and then he killed me. And I feel so stupid because it's just a dream but it was so real Wai Wai." The shaking grew worse.

"Oh Duo…" I said moving over on the bed and brought him in for a hug. "Why would you have thought that I thought that was stupid? I know how real your dreams are."

"Well you thought that the thing with Zechs was stupid…" he trailed off and I mentally smacked myself.

"Honey, that's totally different." I stroked his hair. We sat like that for a long time till the tension ran out of his body and he fell back asleep. I lay him down on his side and drew the covers up. I wandered over to the videophone and dialled Heero's number not really caring what time of night it was. I rang for a little while then he picked up.

"Hello Yuy." I said. He looked rather distraught and rather frazzled, which wasn't a thing you often saw on him

"Is Duo with you?" he asked, his voice holding a pleading tone.

"Yes dear he's with me," Heero looked relieved. "That's really why I'm calling. He had nightmare and tried to kill himself again. I think it'd be good for him if you came over to pick him up tomorrow, show you care."

"Ok course," he looked very sad, almost as if he wished that Dup had come to him instead of me. "I'll be over in the morning, and thank you for looking after him. I don't think I'd… we'd be the same if we lost him." I noticed the slip… so I *was* right.

"'Course. You better watch him and make sure he changes the dressings."

We mumbled our goodbyes and went back to bed. I slept on the couch as Duo now occupied my bed. I didn't sleep immediately as I thought I would, instead I thought over the events. I hoped that Duo would be all right; maybe this might shake one of them, hopefully Heero, into saying something.

***

*Duo P.O.V.*

I woke up not on the couch as I expected, but in a bed; this confused me for a bit then I remembered the events of the previous night and felt the dull ache in my wrists, they itched a bit as well and it took most of my willpower not to scratch them. I got up and got dressed in clothes that, though dry, still smelled like rainwater. I wandered in the kitchen and picked up the note that was lying on the kitchen table:

Sorry I'm not here Duo but I had to go to work. Let yourself out when you're ready and wrap up warm: it snowing and change your bandages, you are NOT getting those cuts infected and drink warm milk before you go to bed and for Goddess' sake EAT SOMETHING MISTER DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU WERE CRASHED OUT AND BLEEDING ON MY BATHROOM FLOOR!!!!!! 

Smiles and Hugs, Wai Wai J

I smiled at the note, she'd obviously written it in a hurry because of the over use of the word 'and' as it gave it the air of someone that was writing whatever came into their head with out much though to grammar. I thought it was so nice of her to write me a note anyway instead of just leaving. 

I poured myself a cup of coffee and heard a knock on the door. I walked over still, holding the mug and saw the most beautiful sight when I opened the door: Heero there in the falling snow, it settling in his hair and eyelashes. He looked breathtaking framed in white and my heart broke again as I realised that he'd never be mine. 

"Hello Duo, can I come in? I was worried about you."

Tbc…


	7. Chapter 6 - Pain Realised. Pain Resolved...

Title: Somewhat Damaged

Author: Raven (spirit_raven_willow@hotmail.com)   
Contents: Yaoi!!! Semi-AU (set after endless waltz), slightly OOC, future lemons

Rating: NC-17  
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 6x5  
Notes: I have no real idea where this is gonna go so C&C VERY welcome. Duo, Heero and Wufei work for the Preventers, Trowa is a Journalist, Quatre works for Winner Inc and Zechs owns a gay/Bi bar (this may or may not have *any* significance to the plot I haven't decided) anyway it's after endless waltz and everyone it trying to have normal lives and forget the war but old scars don't always fade.

_Italics denote flashbacks  
Archive: Anywhere but ask please_

Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=444812 

A little piece of Gundam Wing:

http://raygunworks.net/singles2/somewhat/somewhat.html

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue… All you'll get is a purple bunny named Duo and coursework.

Chapter 6 – Pain realised. Pain resolved.

I stared for bit longer in amazement that Heero had admitted that he was worried about me. While comforting, it was also rather confusing. When had Heero cared whether I didn't come home at night unless we had a mission the next day?

I stared for a bit longer drinking in the sight of him. He stood there, hair mussed like he had just got laid. He was wearing a baggy pair of grey pants with cuffs that were a bit worn from being walked on and rode low on his hips exposing a tantalising band of flesh below a light grey long sleeved shirt that had a black tee over it emblazoned with the word 'Save water shower with a friend', which I was fairly certain that was once mine. He looked absolutely gorgeous and also like the 19 year old he was, we were. Sometimes I forgot how young we really were, how we shouldn't have had to fight a war. How our innocence should have been protected rather than us protecting the innocent.

"Hi Heero, I'll be out in a bit. Come in," I finally said moving to get my coat fervently wishing I had worn a long sleeved top so my bandages didn't show. I knew he knew that I'd tried to kill myself again. His perfect soldier mask had cracked and I could read his eyes like an open book, I wondered why he hadn't said anything but thought I'd better not question it, as it wasn't something I really wanted to discuss.

*Heero P.O.V.* 

His appearance shocked me. I hadn't previously noticed as I'd been… sidetracked but his ribs shew clearly through the semi transparent top and the bandages on his wrists were red where the blood had soaked through. Looking at his face, I noticed his once round and puffy cheeks had become narrower and higher (part of this was due to him maturing over the last few years but still…) also there were dark circles under his eyes that I was sure hadn't been there when I'd last seen him; then it occurred to me that he probably used concealer. Duo had never been one to turn down something that may improve his appearance and make him look healthier. He always wanted to give of the 'I'm fine. Ignore me' image to everyone around him. He just wanted to have the 'normal' life that had previously been denied him previously.

He came back into the lounge now covered in a heavy yet fitted black overcoat that was buttoned up covering him plus bandages and gave him a healthier build.

"Ready?" he said grinning at me like nothing happened. I smiled back, nothing else seemed appropriate.

"Yeah, I'll get us a cab." 

***

We got home and Duo announced that he was going to change,

"Duo?" I said before he disappeared. He stopped and turned to look at me. "I'm not going to ask as it's not my place but I've got to change your bandages, I don't want them infected. You don't need more scars, ne?" He looked a little uncertain and my heart clenched painfully in my chest, I didn't want him to feel worse than he obviously did.

"Ok, sure buddy." The joker's mask came back again. It made me feel very uncertain. I tried to not give it any thought, as I gathered bandages and saline solution; it worried me slightly that we had bandages and saline solution among others that would rival a doctor's office but then considering our line of work it wasn't that surprising.

He wandered back into our lounge, head lowered, now dressed in a pair of pyjama pants with little coffee cups on them and a blue towelling dressing gown. He sat next to me on the couch nervously tucking a piece of hair behind his ear. He looked so vulnerable across from me, the soft golden light filtering through the thin curtain highlighting his ethereal beauty. He finally tilted his head upwards, looking at me oddly with a small sad smile on his face and said, "Hey Heero, you gonna fix me or what?" I shook myself out of my thoughts and focused on the task at hand.

I rolled up the sleeves of the robe and unwound the white bandages and carefully lifted the pads away from the skin. I winced at the amount of blood that coated the dressings: obviously they had opened again several times in the night. I looked up at Duo and he had his head tilted away from his arms and me as if he couldn't bear to look at them. The cuts were awful, long lines of scarlet diagonally across his wrists standing out against his snowy white flesh. I soaked a cotton ball in saline solution and gently wiped away the blood from him without reopening the wounds. After I finished I covered them in a light coating of antiseptic cream and bandaged them again with fresh dressings. I lightly kissed his wrists trying to 'kiss it and make it better' like some of the nicer lab assistants had done to me after I'd hurt myself in 'training'. He didn't notice.

"All done." I announced unsure of what else to say.

"Thanks for once again cleaning up my messes…"

"Duo…"

"No, don't start Heero. I'm not in the mood. Just don't tell Wu. I *don't* need a lecture about being weak right now."

"I don't think you're weak." Why the hell did I just say that? I know stuff like that pisses him off.

"Sure Heero. Sure." He said moving off into the kitchen.

*Duo P.O.V.*

Did I dream the warm kiss on my inner wrist? I must have, Heero finds me disgusting and weak despite what he says: I can see it in his eyes.

I busied myself making coffee and didn't notice the presence behind me till finger tickled my ribs and I screeched in a very undignified and girlish manner. Whipping round, expecting to see Zechs or Quatre, I was nose to nose with Heero. I think I had a minor heart attack from the shock. 

He smiled. And it was genuine as it lit up his eyes,

"You're pretty when you smile." Huh? Me. Smiling. When? Where? Huh? I was confused then I realised that for the first time in a while I *was* smiling, really smiling. My brain that was running at a snails pace, finally caught up from the fright and the realisation that Heero thought I was pretty hit me like a freight train. He leaned closer so our breaths mingled. My heart pounded in my chest and my breath quickened. 

He's gonna kiss me. He's gonna kiss me. Oh God. I've wanted this for so long but I can't, I can't deal with this.

*Heero P.O.V.*

Oh shimatta! He pulled away. I scared him. I know he's Bi, I mean we all know more or less the details his various affairs and I thought he was into me but… SHIMATTA! He's going to hate me; no I can't do this I can't loose him. He means too much to me. I have to go after him.

I followed him through to his bedroom, I almost didn't go in but I couldn't leave him like that. I can't just let him go like I did the night before. I wished he'd come to me with his problems… I wish he told me what his problems were.

I softly knocked of his door before opening it. I saw him sitting on the floor of his room bandages spilled over him like wisps of white mist, razor poised over his wrist to cut again.

"No, Duo please," I cried out. He looked at me and put the razor down. I walked towards him slowly and sat next to him on the thick cream carpet. I reached over and linked my fingers with his, the same hand that had held the razor. I looked into his wide beautiful eyes as I brought his hand to my lips gently kissing it.

"I love you so much Heero," he said his voice betraying no emotion, "But you can't love me. I'm all broken and disgusting." He ripped his hand away from mine and made for the razor again.

"No Duo!" I grabbed his hand re-linking our fingers. "Duo, look at me. Look in my eyes" he raised his gaze to mine. "I don't touch disgusting people." I squeezed his hand, "and I'm touching *you*."

"Heero…" but I stopped him; I stroked the back of his hand with my thumb.

"I want to touch you. If you'll let me." He looked indecisive, then reached behind him with his spare hand. I was confused for a second then realise what he was doing. He was giving me his braid; he was giving me his soul. I wrapped the rope of hair around my hand, as I slowly leaned down…

*Duo P.O.V.*

The moment lasted for an eternity like time had somehow transformed into jell-o. It's never easy to pick up the pieces of your shatter soul but I fit them together like jigsaw fragments of my mind, my family tree is twisted in the winds of time. I am death but as he placed his soft lips on mine, I felt a little piece of me had become whole again. 

I wept.

Tbc…


	8. Chapter 7 - A new arrival

Title: Somewhat Damaged

Author: Raven (spirit_raven_willow@hotmail.com)   
Contents: Yaoi!!! Semi-AU (set after endless waltz), slightly OOC, future lemons

Rating: NC-17  
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 6x5  
Notes: I have no real idea where this is gonna go so C&C VERY welcome. Duo, Heero and Wufei work for the Preventers, Trowa is a Journalist, Quatre works for Winner Inc and Zechs owns a gay/Bi bar (this may or may not have *any* significance to the plot I haven't decided) anyway it's after endless waltz and everyone it trying to have normal lives and forget the war but old scars don't always fade.

_Italics denote flashbacks  
Archive: Anywhere but ask please_

Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=444812 

A little piece of Gundam Wing:

http://raygunworks.net/singles2/somewhat/somewhat.html

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue… All you'll get is a purple bunny named Duo and coursework.

Chapter 7 – A new arrival

Weeks passed since that night and things between Heero couldn't have been better. Heero has surprised me one night when I got home from work as he'd moved all my stuff into his bedroom saying as it was the larger of the two it was the logical choice to be our bedroom. True to my current form I had burst into tears and ran over and hugged him. I'd never thought that Heero would have been the one to push the relationship forward. 

It was perfect but there was one thing that was pressing in my mind: we hadn't slept together. I was eternally grateful to Heero that he hadn't pushed it but I felt that he was growing impatient and well… horny. I was fairly certain that he jerked off every night after kissing me when he got home: no one takes that long to shower when trained with military precision for all for their childhood. I wasn't that I didn't want to have sex, Gods I wanted to do it with him. But I was terrified of getting hurt or that once he'd got what he wanted he'd leave. Really, I knew it was different with Heero but still I was scared.

I brake from my thoughts as I hear keys in the lock and I know he's home. I bounce through the living room ready to glomp him in true baka style (I'm not one to break traditions) when I noticed he's caring something small and furry in his arms. Praying to a God I didn't really believe in that it wasn't some sort of ferret.

"Whatcha got there Hee-chan?" I asked, giving him a quick before looking down. Two ice blue eyes stared up at me from beneath sopping wet grey fur.

"She was in a box dumped next to the building." He said as if it explained everything. The kitten let out a pathetic mew and made a face that expressed the though 'please love me. Don't make me go back out there'.

"Heero, she's gorgeous," I said picking up the cat, "God, she's soaked what happened?"

"I have no idea," he said going off to get a towel, "people who hurt the defenceless should have their balls chopped off."

I decided to make no comment, but put the cat on the table and taking the towel Heero began to dry the fuzz ball off.

"Have you thought of a name for her?"

"I was thinking, Rayne."

"What do you think Little One? Rayne?" the kitten mewed in agreement.

"Well Rayne it is, do we have anything to feed her?"

"There's some tuna in the cupboard." I went over and grabbed the can, opened it and dumped the contents on a saucer.

"Here you go," I said placing it in front of her, ruffling the fur that sat up in spikes on the top of her head. We watched her eat in silence then once she'd finished we moved into the lounge and turned on the TV.

We sat like a family for hours watching 'Armageddon', as the credits were rolling I made a loud sniff and tried to wipe my eyes before Heero noticed.

"Duo?"

"Hum?"

"Are you crying at the movie?"

"No…"

"It's ok you know."

"Yeah…"

"I don't mind. Actually I think it's just one of your more endearing qualities." He kissed me. "How can you feel so deeply for people you've never met or are even real?"

"Mmm, love you too Hee-chan." I mumbled sleepily into his chest, warm and content in the arms on unconditional acceptance.

***

I woke up, however, to my hair being scratched out. I batted my hand around my head trying to stop whoever it was from attacking me. I grudgingly slipped out of Heero's embrace (with a murmur of disapproval from him) and sat up. Rayne was sitting on my pillow looking up at me.

"What do you want?"

She nudged her chin against my hand.

"You woke me up at 4am for a cuddling session?"

She nudged my hand again.

"Oh all ring," I stroked her till she was purring and then deposited her at the end of the bed. I continued to stroke her till she appeared to have dropped off again and I allowed myself to go back to sleep.

It must have been 20 minutes later; I woke up to my hair being torn out,

"This is why I don't want children."

***

After soothing my child back to sleep I managed to wake up several hours later to a lazy Sunday morning in early December. The rain continued to drizzle gently down the windows and for one in more than a while; Heero was still dozing by my side.

I rolled over and watched those beautiful eyes appear from under heavy lashes "Morning Beautiful" he said leaning over, kissing me.

"Yeah morning, our child kept me up half the night." He looked confused, "The cat I explained."

"Ah yes, but you have to understand," kiss, "that she was a stray," kiss, "she was denied attention," he moved down kissing my neck, "but with a little love," his finger ghosted over my nipples, stroking, teasing, "and attention," the other hand moved down to my boxers, "she'll be purring," I moaned as he started to stroke my arousal.

_'You like that, don't you bitch'_

"Will you purr for me?" my head thrashed from side to side

_'Come on beg me.' He backhanded me across the face. 'Beg for it!'_

"Come for me, koi," He continued to stroke me, one hand cupping my ass.

_'Come on slut, you know you want it in your ass. If you beg me maybe I'll use some sort of lube.'_

One finger gently slid between my buttocks to my entrance.

_I felt the searing pain of forced entry._

I screamed, as my beautiful caring lover came over me, still stroking my cock and murmuring words of love.


	9. Chapter 8 – Painful explanations

Title: Somewhat Damaged

Author: Raven (spirit_raven_willow@hotmail.com)   
Contents: Yaoi!!! Semi-AU (set after endless waltz), slightly OOC, lemons, mentions to NCS, sap eventually.

Rating: NC-17  
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 6x5  
Notes: I have no real idea where this is gonna go so C&C VERY welcome. Duo, Heero and Wufei work for the Preventers, Trowa is a Journalist, Quatre works for Winner Inc and Zechs owns a gay/Bi bar (this may or may not have *any* significance to the plot I haven't decided) anyway it's after endless waltz and everyone it trying to have normal lives and forget the war but old scars don't always fade.

_Italics denote flashbacks  
Archive: Anywhere but ask please_

Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=444812 

A little piece of Gundam Wing:

http://raygunworks.net/singles2/somewhat/somewhat.html

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue… All you'll get is a purple bunny named Duo and coursework.

Chapter 8 – Painful explanations

*Heero P.O.V.*

I came down of my high to realise that Duo has his eyes shut and was shaking underneath me. 

"What's wrong baby?" I asked but all I got was I whimper. I shook him gently calling up his name trying to wake him.

"Heero?" he asked opening his eyes.

"I'm here baby. Where did you go?"

"Nowhere. Never mind." I continued to look on worriedly as he moved to get out of bed. The cat jumped on the bed wearing the cat equivalent of a frown and nudged my hand. Yeah I get it cat. Go talk to him.

Moved over the bed till I was behind him and put my arms on his shoulders. He visibly shivered and moved away from me. I was scared shitless. I'd only just got him and now he was pulling away from me. 

"Duo-koi, what's wrong? Was it me?"

He turned around quickly, "No it's nothing to do with you everything's fine." He cupped my face with one hand, "I just remembered something… but it's gone now. Want some coffee?" pulling on his robe he left our bedroom. I was confused, seemed ok before and now… I knew something was bothering him and I wanted to know what it was. I assumed it was something about his past; it'd given us problem in the past why not now? I made no claim to know Duo inside out, at least not yet. I knew what was in his file, the church and all but there was still so much locked away beneath the surface. It was like a frozen lake: dangerous beneath the surface, once you cracked the shell and went under you may never get out again.

By the time I had come out of my thought and the warm embrace of my bed at least 10 minutes had past. I wandered through the apartment to the kitchen in search of Duo but he wasn't in there. There was however a pot of coffee freshly made so, pouring myself I mug I continued on. I went through the lounge and hearing soft noised I pushed open the door of Duo's old bedroom that was now a mini gym.

I found Duo looking more attractive and undeniable sexy than I ever had before. He'd lost the robe and was just in his loose pyjama pants, his pale toned chest exposed. He was bouncing on his toes as he made jabs at the punching bag. Strands of hair came out of his braid, and his bangs stuck to his face. His skin was covered in a thin sheen of sweat making seem to glow in the early morning light. I could see the finely corded muscles shift under his skin as did a round house kick to the bag. The attack on his invisible opponent grew more and more fierce until with one final high side kick one of the chain likes finally gave out and the bag came crashing to the floor. He stood over it breathing slightly heavier than normal, staring, almost seem as though he were willing the bag to get back up and continue the fight.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I sad announcing my presence. 

He whipped round, braid following making a perfect ark behind him. "Talk about what?" he grinned but it never made it as far as his eyes. They gleamed with an almost manic light.

"About why you freaked out earlier when I touched you?"

"I didn't freak."

"Yes you did, you were screaming and shaking when I stopped."

"Every heard of being in the moment. Maybe I was enjoying it."

"You didn't come. You weren't enjoying it. I've been patient because I know there are thing that I don't know about you, things that happened to make you think that you're disgusting and not worth loving, and before you say that I won't understand. Try me. See if I fit. But nothing will get better if you don't try. I took psych classes in my training, as it would 'make me understand my enemy' and what happed tonight was that I triggered something unpleasant in your mind and this" I gestured to the fallen bag, "is from you trying to beat the crap out of that thing or person. Am I close?" wow that was probably the most I'd ever said in one go. 

He continued to stare at me be fore turning to look out of the window. He had one of the best views in the apartment from the widow, it looking straight down in to the communal garden that the complex shielded on three sides. It was large and beautiful and full of trees and plants that could only be found on the earth sphere.

I walked into the room and sat on the fallen punching bag. He continued to stare out of the window in silence except for the gentle rain hitting the window pane for what seemed like hours but I wouldn't leave. He needed to finally talk about this; and I'd be here waiting.

"I don't know where to begin really." He said not turning around.

"The beginning is always a good place to start."

"Yeah… I guess the start is Solo. You know were best buds, he taught me everything I needed to know to survive; he was the one that gave me my name. I loved Solo so much that it hurt when he went off sometimes. Everything was great for a couple of years, I mean we were still hungry and there was always a water shortage but I mean it was all good as long as we were together, we always seemed to have enough money to get by as well for these other little kids that we looked after. And then one day we heard that a plague was going around because of the poor living conditions it had a perfect place to breed and spread. But we never though it would touch us, L2 is a big colony and it couldn't possibly touch our little corner. But then one day Solo started coughing and we weren't worried because we all got sick all the time: no biggie. But it got worse and then he started coughing up blood. I think he knew he was dying long before he told the rest of us.  Before he passed he told a seven year old me that I had to be strong for the rest of them, and at the time I didn't see why he was telling me this, he told me that sometimes when things got really bad that I should try to get myself all pretty and wear my hear down instead of tying it, and wear my tightest clothing a go to the corner of 69th and Bliss parkway and some nice men would give me money to put their penis in my ass for a while. He told me that it would hurt but it was the only way…" his voice cracked, "and then he hugged me and told me not to be afraid and that we'd see each other again… and then he gave this moan and couched up some black stuff and then he went limp in my arms. His eyes still staring up at me. I was ages till some other the other kids found me holding his body and crying till there was nothing left.

"I did what he said of course and he was right. About everything…" he took a deep breath before continuing. Poor Duo, I never knew that he had to do… that. It much have been horrific on a tiny seven year old body with a fully grown man. "I know you know about the Maxwell church." He gave a sad chuckle, "Everyone knows about the Maxwell church so I won't go into it but it was someone else that died because of me… someone else that I loved…

"I guess the next thing was much later, after training with G, after the wars. Do you remember when I went to visit Howard in Bath?"

"Yes, I can remember how much you complained that you had to change trains because there wasn't a direct line from London anymore"

"Yeah. Well you know that Howard has always kind of thought of me as his kid. Ya know since the Peacemillion thing and all we always kept in touch and going on all the time about the next weird 'thing' were we gonna put together from junk metal? Well apparently he talks to he nephew about me… a lot. He's a couple of years older and a lot bigger than me… um, think how Treize was and then add about another 20 or so pounds of muscle and a lot less attractive: then you have Alex. Well were got left alone in the house while Howard went to go fix something of a friends and so would be gone for a few hours, I mean his wife Jo was upstairs so I wasn't too pissed about being left in the house on my own with someone I barely know. And ya know how I like to make new friends. We chatted for about an hour and we were getting on great, he was kinda dull and kept going on about all these martial arts he knew, he was totally full of crap I knew but it was the polite thing do: to listen to him.

"And I realise afterwards that when he started going on about how Howard must have been tying to set us up by leaving us here alone, and how he'd been thinking about me for months, years, God knows. And then again when he started to move close and leant over, leaning on the back of the sofa near my head. Then before I really realise what was going on, he grabbed my wrist and pinned them above my head and was sitting on my legs. He was so much stronger than me, Heero, I couldn't move. Again as an after thought I knew I should have screamed. I should have screams and shouted and wriggled and done something until Jo came and found us, but I didn't I lay there in this really disgusting couch that Howard must have had for God knows how long and let him… let him, kiss me and touch me and that almost wasn't so bad but the he used one hand to open his pants and bring his dick out. He was saying how beautiful I was and how much he'd been wanting me and how much I wanted him too, even though I wasn't hard or responsive or anything and the he started rubbing himself against me: my stomach, my chest until he came over me. Then he scooped up some of his come and shoved the preferred finger in my mouth saying how I should get used to it and how I should love the taste of my boyfriends come.

"Then I heard Jo clomping down the stairs yelling if I wanted tea, he jumped off me, quickly zipping his pants up and shoved me in the bathroom telling me to get myself cleaned up. I think I threw up till I couldn't anymore. I desperately wanted a shower but there wasn't time: Jo was asking what the hell I was doing in there for so long and was I all right. When I came out Alex asked me out into the garden and as I could hardy scream 'no you asshole you just partially raped me' and Jo was looking at me funny I went. He said that would we tell Howard that we were a couple now? And how long distance relationships would work if you gave them a chance. I just looked at him.  Couldn't think of a single thing to say, I don't think there was anything to say. So I just turned and went back into the house saying I felt ill and locked myself in the bathroom till Howard came and took him home. I think I scrubbed my skin till it was red raw and bushed my teeth and mouth with half a tube of toothpaste till I started even remotely feeling better and less violated. I remember my ass feeling sore and the zipper broken on my pants but I don't remember anything like that so, who knows? What I do know is that I will never forget that… that feeling of being so weak and help less, I've faces fleets of mobile suits and not batted and eyelid but this civilian hurt me more than any number of OZ soldiers. I'd never kissed anyone, ever till then and except for the unfortunate incidents before Father Maxwell found me I'd never done it, or fooled around with anyone either. He took every hope of a decent first time with him, he probably didn't even realise it. I'd wanted to save it for you," he turned around and looked me in the eyes; I also saw his legs wobbling and start to give out. I caught him the second he stated to fall. "But that was all turned to shit, no magical first times for Duo Maxwell…" 

He trailed off exhausted. There was nothing left to say. You never think things like that happen to people you know.  I kind of knew about his childhood, that was not big shocker: things are hard when you're an orphan, I know that. But this thing with Alex: Howard's nephew really shook me. You think rapists are easily recognisable but they're not. They're all around us. We sat in silence on the floor of our gym. The ice had cracked and the dark water was all around us, I only hoped that I could swim hard enough for the both of us.

Tbc…

Author's notes: I'm not sure about this chapter, I was nervous about writing it and I'm shaking as I type this and feeling rather sick. I hope I haven't lost anyone along the way there; it'll get happier soon I promise but I felt that this had to go here. I know that the part about Solo and everything has been done so many times before but it's an important element to Duo's past so I thought it should go here. About the second rape I was really unsure of that but the thing is, is I'm pretty much writing this whole thing as therapy so you can make of that what you like… Please can more people review, or at least indicate that they are actually reading this. Please?


	10. Chapter 9 – Let’s take a break

Hi, sorry this has been like ages but I've been really caught up with school. I hate art but it's finally over, yay!!! And as I am very crappy at responding to reviews I'd like to thank: Minpin, Tayles, Tanya, Sayuri Tananka, Yvelle, Lemon Princess, Ann, Sue, Wolfen, Katu, Dacia, Lura Maxwell, Elyndys, FT, Deathwraith, Dyna, DRL, Amuse_g, Chang Liu, Maud and Shirls; for all your support J

Title: Somewhat Damaged

Author: Raven (spirit_raven_willow@hotmail.com)   
Contents: Yaoi!!! Semi-AU (set after endless waltz), slightly OOC, future lemons

Rating: NC-17  
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 6x5  
Notes: I have no real idea where this is gonna go so C&C VERY welcome. Duo, Heero and Wufei work for the Preventers, Trowa is a Journalist, Quatre works for Winner Inc and Zechs owns a gay/Bi bar (this may or may not have *any* significance to the plot I haven't decided) anyway it's after endless waltz and everyone it trying to have normal lives and forget the war but old scars don't always fade.

_Italics denote flashbacks  
Archive: Anywhere but ask please_

Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=444812 

A little piece of Gundam Wing:

http://raygunworks.net/singles2/somewhat/somewhat.html

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue… All you'll get is a purple bunny named Duo and coursework.

Chapter 9 – Let's take a break

It was a good long while till he moved to talk again. He explained that everyone he'd ever loved had died and left him alone and that he was scared that I'd do the same. He told me that he thought that I'd leave him after we slept together. These thoughts upset me no end, I could barely believe that Duo would think that I'd use him just for sex; I thought he knew me better than that. But then I realise that the fears are deeply rooted and weren't all together rational.

I scooped his unresisting form off the floor and carried him into the bathroom. Setting him down on the closed toilet seat I lit some of the scented candles that he kept in here, and closed the blinds so although the room was reasonably well lit the light was soft on the eyes. I turned on the taps and added bubble bath to the running water waiting for the large tub to fill. I went over to Duo and tilted his chin up so he was vaguely looking at me.

"Duo I've run you a bath. It'll make you feel better but before that I'm going to have to undress you. I won't hurt you I promise. Is that ok?" he nodded numbly in response. I undid the tie on his sweat pants and lifted his hips up to take them fully off.  I picked him up again and gently lowered him into the warm water. He sighed as it enveloped him, easing away the strain of the past day. I picked up the flannel and, wetting it, wiped his face, down his neck and across his chest. I this had been any other time I would have found the sight of Duo naked and at my mercy very arousing but I couldn't take advantage of his vulnerability like that. I'd not only be no better than Alex but I would ruin any chance I ever had with Duo. So I washed his tired body with due care and attention and nothing more: Washing away the sweat and tears. 

"Duo, I would like to wash your hair, is it ok to take it out of its braid?" I said this in soft toned trying to make it not sound like an order. Even though he gave me his braid several weeks previously I knew it was very sacred to him and I didn't want to inadvertently violate something that was so important to him.

He looked up at me almost as if he didn't believe what I had said.

"Is it ok Duo?"

"No one's ever asked my permission before." Was all he said before he dropped his head down to rest on his knees.

"I'll take that as a yes." I pulled the half wet braid out of the bath to take the tie off and undid the sections till it floated loose on the water. I found the hand held shower extension and fiddled with the temperature till it was perfect. I tilted his head backwards as I started to wet the chestnut mass. Dropping the shower head face down in the bath I found Duo strawberry scented shampoo and, tipping a large quantity of it into my hands, started to work it in. I massaged his scalp till he was making unconscious contented noised and then moved down the length till it was clean and rinsed it thoroughly, then repeating it with the conditioner. 

"Duo time to stand up now," he stood and I wrapped one of the fluffy blue towels he'd bought around his body and another, larger one, around his hair. 

I lead him through to our bedroom and towel him off, leaving him naked for the time being as trying to get pyjama pants on him would have been an enterprise not worth the effort, and I did however pull a blanket around his waist to give him modesty. Sitting behind him I started to brush out his hair before blow-drying it. Whether it was a combination of the heat, or the soothing action of his hair being brushed, or exhaustion when I switched the dryer off Duo was asleep. Laying him in bed I pulled the covers up over chest and tucked him in. The cat wandered in and curled up asleep next to him.

I walked back through the apartment to the vidphone and called Une. I then realised that I was still only in my boxers and so grabbed my dressing gown wrapping it round me before calling her.

"Une."

"Une, Duo and I need some time off."

"That isn't possible you know how backed up we are, we need two of our best agents."

"Look Une, we never ask for time off and we have done some of the worst missions possible. Please could you give us a break, consider it payback for last month when we had to spend two days in that crawlspace in Queens doing surveillance that turned out to be nothing."

"I can't let you go."

"Une, look at Duo." I moved the screen round so it pointed through to the bedroom. Duo was laying there with a troubled expression one hand gripping the bedclothes the other lay out wrist up, showing tick red line that were yet to heal fully. "He's having a hard time of it; I want him to have some alone time."

Une stared past me to the figure on the bed. "Acceptable Yuy. I hate seeing him like this and something says that it got a lot worse today. I'll give you a week off, on full pay. We'll call it medical leave. Is that ok with you?" she raised and eyebrow.

"That's great, we appreciate this."

"I hope Duo feels better soon, we miss him." Another voice called from behind her. I grinned Duo was always popular with the female employees.

"Domo Arigato, Lady." I signed off. 

Duo looked so beautiful spread out on the bed. The troubles and cares of the say not showing now on his heart shaped face. I stripped off my cotton pyjama pants favouring some black satin ones and after placing a soft kiss on his cheek I set to work.

***

*Duo P.O.V*

I woke to the smell of jasmine, vanilla and sandalwood. I looked at the clock as I got out of bed, noticing that I'd slept away most of the day and it was growing dim outside. I followed the smell into the lounge and was greeted with Heero looking like something otherworldly.

The living room was completely covered in candles; every surface seemed to be covered with burning lights. I knew that we didn't own that many candles so he must have gone out, I wondered what else he had bought while I was sleeping. He looked utterly beautiful kneeling in the centre of the mass of candles, golden light reflecting off his golden skin; he gave of the how ever clichéd image of fallen angel because as much as he looked like he was surrounded with seraphim gold, his hair was ruffled and he was shirtless, only dressed in loose black drawstring trousers that had a growing bulge in the front.

Soft music that I couldn't quite make out played in the back ground as I moved into the centre on the circle and knelt before my love.

"Heero, what's this all for?"

"For you angel."

"I'm not angel, nor am I worthy of this effort"

"But you are and I want to give you the first time you deserved."

I couldn't think of anything to say so I just kissed him and he kissed back. We just held each other for a while like drowning sailor to a mast, bathed in the warm light.

Tbc…

Hi, please can people review I really love hearing from you J there should (hopefully) be lemons in the next chapter so those of you who have been bugging for sex, you'll get it soon.


End file.
